Things Suck

"CaptDale - is secretly British" (captdale) 01/07/2019 at 20:00 • Filed to: personal problems

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Personal story buffer : relationship stuff

You’ve been warned

TLDR: I recently became extra single. And it is tearing me apart

Longer story is I was dating this guy for almost a year. We had our issues, but what young couple doesn’t? Both trying to make something out of our lives etc. Overall to me things we good and I was happy. He though had some issues and I finally got him to see a therapist and that helped a little. Then we decided to have a poly relation with this other girl and that was actually really nice. He though wanted things to be more extra close friends than a full blown relationship and I agreed because he needed that to try and better himself and how could I say no? Anyway things got really messed up and I ended up pushing them away because I was having problems and didn’t want to bother them. I know it was the wrong thing to do. Well they decided to give up on me and then it was really hard to try and get them back in my life. Well he wasn’t talking to me and she was trying really hard to help me be better. New Years day he and I get drunk and things get super dark and sad as we talk (cause alcohol is a depressant). Well she is back from being on vacation and they have decided to date and be intimate and I just am a wreck. Tons of depression and lack of motivation. Which sucks because I have so much to do, like sell the GTO, but I can barely get out of bed most days for work. I hate this feeling and I am really trying to feel better... anyway I just needed to vent and share.

Have a good night Oppo.

Update (1/8/19 11:40):

Thank you all so much for all the love and support . It really does mean a lot to me since I view Oppo as a second family. You’ve always been great people and so far everyone I have met or directly had contact with has been an amazing person. So just thank you so much.

CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:11

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Just remember, things will always get better. Guaranteed .

let me know if you need to chat.

CB > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:11

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That sucks, man. Being in a rut after a relationship is a tough place to be. But right now, you’ve gotta take care of you. Start with some little things, and work your way up from there. Got any hobbies or things you enjoy doing?

sn4cktimes > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:17

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Wow, that is pretty rough. Questions for you to reflect upon. Is either the “he” or the “she” a person that you think is important in your life long-term? And if yes to one, but no to the other (either direction), can you be close (maybe not physical, but still quite emotionally tight) to one and still be friends with the other? Do you maybe just have to downgrade both to friend-status?  Are either or both really integrated into your friend circle? I just bring stuff up based on if one or both is still really important to you, perhaps they can still be in your life. But if none of those above things apply, perhaps you should just roll on. Lean on other friends while you deal with the hurt and just let “this” scenario be a crappy blip in your life and don’t make it more than it has to be. 

farscythe - makin da cawfee! > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:21

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yep.... after reading your story i would agree... things suck

they will get better tho...just focus on fixing you (i know i know... easy to say...)(also as im pretty much a basketcase i probably shouldnt be telling poeple what to do)

welp....cant rain all the time mate :)

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:30

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I don’t mean to be hurtful by saying this, but do you really want to be with some one who thinks you alone  aren’t enough?

Call me old fashioned but relationships don’t work in a triangle. If you ask me your situation is inevitable. Two of the people involved will eventually grow closer to each other, and some one will end up a thridwheel, and eventually completely cut off.

It’s easier said then done but find some one who wants you.

Future Heap Owner > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:33

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I’m right there with you. The woman I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with left me a month ago. It’s been a really shitty month. I’m also struggling to stay motivated at work, and with my hobbies. I’ve been reading a lot of pulpy sci-fi novels (The Expanse series) since those are a good distraction and don’t require more effort than I have to give. And I’ve been doing a tiny amount of math, because only having to figure things out seems easier than designing or creating things (which describes most of my hobbies). Also it’s dark and cold out so I don’t wanna work on the truck.

From what I can tell, there’s not much that really helps the hurt apart from time. A lot of time, apparently; it’s been a month and it still hurts a lot. Not as much as the first week. But a lot. (Though the next few weeks might be as bad as the first because she gets back in town tonight to finish moving out and take our dog and drive across the country).

Here are the things that have helped me the most:

* spending time with family and friends that I enjoy. It’s both a very good distraction and a reminder that people do still like me and that not all the support and love and happiness in my life comes from my romantic relationship

* sticking to routine / building a new routine. I’ve had the dog since we broke up, and that has been very helpful because that forces me to get out of bed in the morning and to get outside a few times a day. I’ve also started going to the gym a couple times a week and doing some stretching & push-ups every day that I don’t. Wanting to maintain these new routines provides my brain some external motivation when I can’t summon any internally.

But yeah, overall it really sucks a lot. I’m hoping I can stop thinking about and dwelling on it constantly in another month maybe. But IDK.

If you do figure out something that helps you, please let me know too!

If you wanna talk more about it, drop me a line at dlp@aperiodic.org

Chuckles > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:36

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I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. Ending a relationship can be rough. But you will get through this.

Ever hear of the theory of visitors? It’s a different way of thinking about relationships:

“ All relationships are transient,” she said. “Friends who stab you in the back. People you network with at a fancy party. Relatives who die. The love of your life. Everything is temporary. People come into your life for a limited amount of time, and then they go away. So you welcome their arrival, and you surrender to their departure. Because they are all visitors. And when the visitors go home, they might take something from you. Something that you can’t ever get back. And that part sucks. But visitors always leave souvenirs. And you get to keep those forever.”

https://medium.com/s/human-parts/the-theory-of-visitors-4c7dd3a1b6d4

Cash Rewards > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 20:47

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I can't relate to your experience, but know that Oppo is here for you. I can't tell you it doesn't really suck, because that's not true. But it's ok to suck for now, because it will suck less soon.

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 21:13

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I notice a lot of people on here getting dumped/relationships ending around the holidays. I’m sorry that you’re all hurting. I have much advice and alleged wisdom regarding the post-breakup, but the only thing that I actually know is that I understand the pain, and respect your freedom to mourn, and go to the darkest places. Everyone’s timeline is different, and  while the hurting is this intense I expect outside voices to fall on deaf ears.

I have had a startling number of friends attempt polyamory. Anecdotally: zero long-term success stories.

I always notice that one person seems much more interested in the idea than the other, and basically... abuses?... the loyalty of the other by getting them to comply. Not sure who had the idea in your case. Anyway... fucking around? H ell yeah. Maintaining an intimate love triangle? It would take three pretty damn stable people... Are there even 3 stable people on this continent?

shop-teacher > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 21:53

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Sorry to hear that man. Hang in there, life goes on and darkness turns to light eventually.

Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 22:14

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Always remember, people suck! Pretty much every person is wired by Lucas Electronics and have been left out in the rain for years. Those problems might be sortable but good luck trying to make sense of it without wishing death upon yourself in the process. Best to find a well loved Japanese car that has maybe seen some heavy usage but always garaged and maintained meticulously . This metaphor will start getting cheesey and thin if I go any further but you should get my point lol - there are good people out there for everyone and it’s worth avoiding heavy baggage generally. Just takes some luck to find them unfortunately. 

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/07/2019 at 22:16

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Have you made a decision yet as to whether to pursue repairing this relationship? Poly/Triads can be complex and they don’t work unless everyone is super (mentally) healthy. It sounds like this is not the case here.

Best advice I can give now is to distract yourself. Find activities that take 100% of your attention. Go buy and build the most complex lego or model kit you can find. Do a deep clean of your living quarters. Put on that drama you’ve been meaning to start watching.

You do eventually need to get back to thinking about your situation, but it should wait until the hurt has receded a bit and you have a clearer head.

JoshROOSTER > Chuckles 01/08/2019 at 01:17

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Dude! I’ve tried to explain this theory in less than beautiful terms. My life reads like a random assortment of loosely tied together stories. Each friendship, family member, relationship that ends just closes a chapter that allows me to open the next.  

JoshROOSTER > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 01:23

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I was completely shell shocked after my relationship of 10 years ended. She went behind my back with who I thought was my closest friend of the same 10 year period.

Good friends and good work friends helped me through. Forcing myself to socialize, even outside of my regular circle, helped a ton.

Truthfully, staying focused on work while at work and using that as a blessing of a distraction carried me the furthest. I got promoted to a job that paid double, found the love of my life, bought a house with a giant garage, got mustang, a gti and a golf r out of it and am looking at having my first child in May.

It’s hard to see tomorrow when today hurts so bad. But, apply yourself at work, even if it’s just as a distraction. Go outside. Don’t let them win and they won’t.

PS, I thought my cat was psycho the entire time I’ve lived with her. Turns out she hated my ex and my ex best friend. Shes turned into the sweetest lap cat ever since they left our lives.

Things happen for a reason and only hindsight can define why.

CaptDale - is secretly British > HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles 01/08/2019 at 12:16

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Yeah, maybe

CaptDale - is secretly British > Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo 01/08/2019 at 12:17

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Yeah, I doubt we were stable enough but that doesn’t mean you can’t see a future where you all were.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Future Heap Owner 01/08/2019 at 12:32

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Man I am sorry you’re going through that. It is really hard. I will try to give it time etc and if I find something I will let you know.

Hell one of my friends mom is a spiritual healer and I am more than half tempted to give that a try because I am sure it can’t make things worse other than feeling like a fool.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Chuckles 01/08/2019 at 13:11

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Yeah I have heard of that before. Though it is a very hard concept to swallow

CaptDale - is secretly British > sn4cktimes 01/08/2019 at 13:16

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Yes they are both important to me. I guess I should just try to be friends at some point

CaptDale - is secretly British > Wrong Wheel Drive (41%) 01/08/2019 at 13:16

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At least I can get replacement wiring for my Lucas wired Healey.

CaptDale - is secretly British > CarsofFortLangley - Oppo Forever 01/08/2019 at 13:17

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Thank you

CaptDale - is secretly British > farscythe - makin da cawfee! 01/08/2019 at 13:18

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Well fellow basketcase, that usually gives you some insight on what to do etc.

CaptDale - is secretly British > CB 01/08/2019 at 13:18

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Not that I have done in a long time... I guess I could try to do more me stuff

CaptDale - is secretly British > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 01/08/2019 at 13:23

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I would like to repair things, but I know both of them don’t. at least not now and idk if ever.

Thank you. I will try to help myself get better

CaptDale - is secretly British > Cash Rewards 01/08/2019 at 13:24

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Yeah, that is why I posted here. Oppo feels like a second family to me

CaptDale - is secretly British > shop-teacher 01/08/2019 at 13:24

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Thank you

CaptDale - is secretly British > JoshROOSTER 01/08/2019 at 13:24

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God I wish I didn’t dislike my job so much. Otherwise I would welcome the work distraction.

But yes thank you

Chuckles > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 13:58

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It is certainly a hard idea to wrap your head around. We often have the tendency to think of our romantic partners as our everything, the be-all and end-all, and it can be hard to come to terms with the reality that they aren’t. So you won’t end up living happily ever after with these people. That’s ok. It doesn’t mean that your time together was a waste of time, or that you didn’t learn a few lessons along the way. The important thing is to keep moving, and to know that your self worth isn't based on them. You have a lot to offer the world, and when the time comes you will get to share that with someone else.

I won't knock the idea of a poly relationship. It works for some people very well. But I've also known people who were monogamous and things weren't going great, so they decided to open up the relationship and add a third in an attempt to fix things, and that's just a bad idea.

CaptDale - is secretly British > Chuckles 01/08/2019 at 14:29

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Yeah especially when you make all these future plans and idea in your head sharing your life and goals with them. I don’t know if I feel like it was a waste, but it was a lot of effort and time that has ended with pain instead of more happiness.

Yeah I agree that just adding a person won’t fix relationship issues. 

If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 14:33

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I don't know how much I can help but I've dealt with rejection before. If you want to talk more I'm available.

CaptDale - is secretly British > If only EssExTee could be so grossly incandescent 01/08/2019 at 14:37

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Thank you

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 16:03

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I totally missed this and very sorry to hear. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help or even distract you .

CaptDale - is secretly British > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 01/08/2019 at 16:31

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Thanks man. You’re a good friend . I’ll hit you up if I go down south or vice versa etc.

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 16:36

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Absolutely! If I didn’t rope a friend into going to San Diego this weekend I would go north in a heartbeat.

CaptDale - is secretly British > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 01/08/2019 at 17:09

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Well it is alright you did. I have plans to hang out with a friend this weekend. 

SPAMBot - Horse Doctor > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/08/2019 at 17:24

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Glad to hear!!

CaptDale - is secretly British > SPAMBot - Horse Doctor 01/08/2019 at 17:41

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Yeah. Hopefully it’s fun

sn4cktimes > CaptDale - is secretly British 01/10/2019 at 00:46

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Yeah, i t could be hard to move past the previous romantic and physical part. Might be a weird point where you’re put in the “extra” position of a poly offer... I would say decline. I think it’d get really awkward for you. But if you can stay friends, that’d be good. Maybe just outright tell them both that being friends with them is super  important to you, and you can move forward from there. Doesn’t fix the “single” issue. But keeps them in your life.